Just let her play...

I promised myself when I had Keeli I'd let her live fully with out smothering her. When I had our first I was greedy with her. I never would trust anyone to help me take care of her. I was so afraid of SIDS that I hated the thought of her staying with grandparents while she was a baby. They asked and I'd come up with some lame excuse. I was so selfish with her that it makes me angry at myself now. When I had Keeli I knew I'd still be selfish in letting her stay with people but I'd let her climb trees.. jump off the porch.. run barefoot with out the fear of a bee. Every tiny little thing that could happen to my kids consumes me. I do know it's an issue that I have. I can't stop it but I can try and make it better. So when Keeli was able to get around I let her explore inside and out. No baby gate just free range. She learned what she was allowed to touch and what she wasn't. When she was old enough for a swing set I let her go at it. Sure as she climbed the ladder to the play house at the top to slide down that big ole slide I cringed inside but I put on a smile and simply said, "just be careful" she never needed help. She was swinging on her on the day we got it.. sliding on her belly.. fearless to a degree. I loved watching her. I bit my tongue a lot... I let her stay with grand parents, go shopping with my sister. That's a big one for me. The thought of someone losing her or not holding her hand in a parking lot. But I had to trust that she would be ok. Believe me every time she was away having the time of her life I was sitting at home scared to death. I was proud of myself I was keeping my promise. Then came diabetes... It crashed all the strength I had built to let Keeli be free. I'm back to where I was all those years ago with Lindsi. I don't think people understand. Having a diabetic child means ANYTHING can happen. While she's asleep let me be honest she can die. And that's the truth. If she isn't monitored and she drops in her sleep that's all it takes. How can I trust someone to take on that responsibility. I feel like it's living with the fear of SIDS all over again. Some nights I only check her 2 times... There have been lots of nights I check her every 2 hours. Depending on the kind of day she's had. No more feeling the grass between your toes.. She needs shoes. I hate boo boos because if she runs higher it takes longer for them to heal. Not too long ago she was going through a high spell and the dog scratched her.. not bad but it took 2 weeks for that small scratch to heal. it wasn't infected it just looked new for 2 weeks. I homeschool due to shit schools and diabetes. How can I find the strength again to let a little go?

The other day she was playing on the deck. I had the back door open which is on the deck and she was riding her scooter on it.. There is a neighbor girl Keeli's age that asked her to come over and play. I don't even care for these neighbors. I don't know them. I am able to see their back yard from my door (the open door) Keeli ran in and asked if she could please go over there and play in her yard. I took 2 deep breathes and said sure, just until the pizza comes... I knew that would only be about 20 minutes. The little girls mom was outside (she usually isn't that I can see) Keeli ran over there as fast as she could. I walked by the door about 5 times just to take a peak. She was having a blast. She kicked her shoes off and was bouncing on the trampoline, running and just enjoying herself. I bet she didn't think 1 single second about her diabetes, but I did. I didn't want her to have to leave for being low. I didn't want to call her back home so I could check her real quick.. I just trusted in her that she would listen to her body. It was dinner time and I knew she needed to eat. Which means she'll start going low. The pizza came and I stepped out to yell for her. She came home with a huge smile. I did it. I let her go a little. Maybe it's not the parents I'd pick for Keeli to be around BUT as long as she's playing in my view I think it'll be OK. I can't keep my eyes on her every second of her life. I'm just terrified that the minute I stop something will happen. Fact is, she's growing up and I just need to let her....